This one time I went to the dentist because I ate the crown on my back molar in a piece of lemon chicken and thought they would just take my bank account and make me a new crown but then the dentist heard me say I swallowed it and the earth cracked open and the words “chest X-ray” and “surgery” began to circulate the exam room while the dentist kept talking about how my wisdom teeth are aksajshaksjnasas,amsasnaiwsadsj——-. Up to that time at the dentist I had not cried in maybe a year (sans maybe one time while watching Prison Break and another time that I was heavily sleep deprived so that doesn’t count) but this dentist used a trigger word and a mental breakdown ensued while the dentist stared blankly at me while I stared blankly at myself lying on an operating table with my chest being cracked open and a surgeon saying “well I hope that lemon chicken was worth it.”
And then this dentist told me that they couldn’t fix the original problem and to start saving my money because apparently I came off as a poor, twenty something who hates her life because she ate a crown and would now have to pay over $5000 to really fix the problem and why would this poor, twenty something whose eye liner is now smushed all over her cheeks and who probably forgot to wear deodorant because the appointment was really early in the morning and she didn’t drink coffee because she was too lazy to brush her teeth twice, why would this poor girl be able to afford such a thing. And then the dentist, in her dead panned expression and white coat, told me that it was such an unfortunate thing I had to go through at such a young age and my life flashed again to the chest being cracked open and at that point her assistant walked in the room and handed me a tissue and told me I could have a few minutes alone and what the heck this is a dentist office, but wait there’s my chest being cracked open again. Then the dentist didn’t know what to do because she just ruined Wednesday morning from about 9:20-11:30am for me so she quietly exited and so I kept it together to the point of calling my parents and telling them to get my life insurance in order because the way that I would go would be because there was a tooth stuck in my lungs and to let that one boy know I really did have a crush on him but my 3rd grade peanut butter and jelly sandwich meant more to me but it might have worked out and we could have had babies but I hope his current wife and 1.5 kids are enjoying a lot of peanut butter and jellies.
So after that time I had the death sentence dentist I did a very adult thing and got a second opinion and the second opinion dentist laughed at me and then pantomined a scene from my brain where he cracked open my chest pulled out the tooth, dusted it off and put it back in my mouth. The second opinion dentist also told me how could someone with a such great sense of humor (second opinion dentist’s words, not mine) like me be single so second opinion dentist is now my dentist and the world closed up and there is no tooth lodged in my lungs so my funeral playlist is put away.
Also, that time I went to the death sentence dentist was yesterday and second opinion dentist was this morning.
Also also, this one time when I was writing this blog post my dog threw up all over the couch and carpet.